Inner Demon(s) Pt. 1

Inner Demon(s) Pt. 1

Demons, we all have some kind of inner demon in us, maybe more than one. It could be an addiction(porn, drugs, alcohol, smoking, food etc.), pride, lust, greed, gluttony, etc. 

And you know, I’ve also discovered a demon that some people may miss, ourselves, our minds. Yes, we can tend to be our own worse critics and we can also have a certain mental illness that can feel like a demon to us. But, I’ve learned, that a mental illness does not define me, does not own me, or even control me. It feels like two people sometimes though, battling it out, you vs your mental illness. 

It’s been almost 10 years since I’ve had my first ever panic attack before I even knew what it was, what was happening to me. And, over two years ago, I wrote a post on my anxiety called, A Fight Within and how it doesn’t define me. Then, the beginning of 2016, I went to a different psychiatrist(from the last 2 I went to years ago in different time frames) to get tested. I knew, something was missing, diagnosis wise, and sure enough, I was diagnosed with MILD Autism and OCD(already knew about), I was shocked, hurt, and relieved all at once. I wrote a post on it a few months later, when I felt ready, called, A Diagnosis Doesn’t Define You

I’m not here to talk about my anxiety or my mild autism.

I’ve had another demon I’ve faced though, my eating disorder, I’ve touched on it before on this blog. And, here’s the thing, I thought that “demon” was gone, long gone, slammed the door on it’s face gone. It’s not though, it’s been coming back, knocking on the door, and sometimes, lately, sneaking in. And, it all started, when I started running. Yep, running. It’s been almost 3 years since I typed up the post on my runner’s burnout.

Me running at my first ever race, 5 years ago(4 mile race; 40 min time; During my races or even training runs I always had that competitive edge)

Amazing, how a love, addiction, passion, and a feel good drug could turn into an obsession, a horrible compulsion. And you know what, before my runner’s burnout hit me hard, I prayed. I prayed to God to take my love for running away from me and just like that, a few days later, I was taking my runners stickers off of my car, throwing away my runner’s magazines, and taking my bibs off of my wall. I ran 34 races(including 2 full marathons, plenty of half marathons, and small races too) in 2 years! Just like what was once my obsession with horses, my obsession with running got as bad. I’d eat, sleep, and think RUNNING. I’d run through injuries, go crazy with other workouts during half marathon training, medical bills would pour in, I’d place in my age group quite often(have plenty of awards collecting dust), and hang my race medals with pride. Every run was about going hard and fast, even during my training runs. I loved to push myself all the time, to the point of fatigue, and try to push through the fatigue.

Why can I not look at running the same again? How was this an inner demon though? Why did it become an inner demon? Why am I backing off on all exercise too?

Those questions, are answered on my next blog post. Take a break. Think about the questions. Do you have some inner demons that you need to kick out too? If so, what are they?

Until then! 🙂

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *